he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
