....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
