I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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