I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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