not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
