so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
