On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
