I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
