so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
