Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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