i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
