The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Randomize
