cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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