My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
