I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
