turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize