Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
