i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
