dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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