I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
