Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I look excited, but its just a facade.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
