Ambien. No doubt about it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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