dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
