Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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