I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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