My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize