Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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