your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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