It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
