If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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