the condom got lost in my hair
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize