wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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