It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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