Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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