Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
