She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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