operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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