Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
