I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
