Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
