Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
