She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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