He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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