threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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