two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
