I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
