He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
