Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
