wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
