I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
