Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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