Little spoons don't ask big questions
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
