help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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