fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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