Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
