my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
