I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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