Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
