Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize