The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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