I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
