I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
