Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
