It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my shit smells like andre
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
