i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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